All the News That's Fit to Post

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (2/1/10 - 2/7/10)

2010-02-04T07:33:00.001-08:00

For whatever reason, Gary Coleman has a penchant for cowboy hats, as the many pics on the internet suggest. Whatever the cause, we here at All the News . . . find this look downright adorable! And look at him playing with his phone, pretending there's an agent on the line, waiting to give the black buckaroo a role.

Maybe it's just me, but something tells me Mr. Coleman is playing cowboy 'cause he longs for the jump-the-shark Diff'rent Strokes days with his southern-soundin' stepbrother Danny Cooksey.

Man Frustrated After Halloween Costume Backfires; Vows to be Vindicated

2009-10-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

Last Halloween when Keith Landers attended a co-worker's rooftop party on the outskirts of Seattle, his costume didn't go as planned. This year, however, this determined Starbucks shift manager plans on making his younger co-workers eat crow.

"I couldn't believe they didn't know who I was," recalled Landers. "It was sad. Only one person knew who Richard Simmons even is!"

* Landers (pictured above), hours before a 2009 Halloween party where he was confused for everything from Ronald McDonald to "that woman on Three's Company" (both pictured below).

The 31-year-old Landers, who went so far as to jog around the party for minutes on end, yelling lines like "Ohhhhhkay ladies, time to Sweat into the Oldies!" and "Stay away from those nachos. They're not on your Deal-A-Meal!" couldn't drop enough hints to the crowd, a collection of teenagers and early twentysomethingers who remained clueless.

"We just thought like he had too many macchiatos," said Becky Jorgensen, one of Landers' baristas. "He kept poking me. It was really annoying."

After numerous sets of jumping jacks and squat thrusts around the partygoers were met to no avail, the failed Richard Simmons exited the party dejected, not even waiting to see the party's winning costume worn by Ben Meyers, an employee recently-hired by Landers.

* Meyers, whose Price-Is-Right costume took the party's 20-dollar prize.

Having put last year's events behind him, Landers promises to wow everyone at his co-worker's annual Halloween party in 2010: "I figure I'll make it a little more current, so I chose Tony Little."

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

2009-10-09T17:46:00.001-07:00

Sure, they ain't the world's best looking gals--especially the one on Gary's left with the prominent pelvic bones--but Gary Coleman seems to be in "booby heaven" with those signature cheeks flanked by traffic on Mammary Lane. It's a good thing Gary grew a little! A little shorter and he'd be sandwiched by STDs.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

2009-10-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you who remember well the '80s, Libyan leader Col. Muammar el-Qadaffi, better know by just his surname, made it into American headlines as President Reagan's "mad dog of the Middle East." But since then what the hell has happened to this once-hot leader?

In keeping with the '80s (and you devotees of this decade), Mr. Libya now looks like Sam Crenshaw of t.v.'s Today's Special (1982-1987). And if you don't remember T.S., a Canadian children's show that aired on Nickelodeon, shame on you!
Can it be that Qadaffi looks like the security guard puppet on a kids' show? Yes! Look at their eyes, their testicle sac noses, and their complexions. Ahhhh, if only puppet Sam had black wiry hair.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/21/09 - 9/27/09)

2009-09-20T09:05:00.001-07:00

This just in: When the t.v. movie of Dr. Oz's downward spiral into hell is made, complete with cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos, DON SWAYZE will play the DOC! Yes, Patrick's recently bereft bro has the same chinny chin chin, nose and eyes as "The Great Oz." Sure, he's a little craggier and haggard than Oprah's guru, but it ain't nothing a little putty can't fix.

One Hollywood insider reports that the project hasn't been greenlighted yet, for Don Swayze is still in the process of sabotaging Oz's life so that he will eventually be led down a road of cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who met her three friends on the yellow brick road, Swayze's plan for the project will have Dr. Oz travel (on foot) from point A to point B, meeting a teenage cocaine dealer, a middle-aged tranny prostitute, and a WWII veteran casino bus driver along the way.

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

2009-09-18T11:53:00.001-07:00

This week's picture of an adorable Gary Coleman wasn't easy to select, but after much debate, the winner is . . .

GIL AND GARY (1979)

* In 1979, Coleman appeared in two episodes of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century as Hieronymous Fox, a boy genius.

It looks as if one-time heartthrob Gil Gerard and Gary Coleman are having a bundle of laughs in this pic from 20 years ago, so why is it adorable?

1.) Gary Coleman's outfit makes him look like a little winged monkey. ADORABLE!

2.) He even has little black boots. REALLY ADORABLE!

3.) Sitting on the table with his arm around Gil Gerard makes him look like a ventriliquist's dummy. EMBARRASSINGLY ADORABLE!

4.) Chubby cheeks, a perfectly groomed afro, and a button nose. OVERWHELMINGLY ADORABLE!

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

2009-09-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

Did Tony Randall's itty bitty brother play mushroom-headed robot Twiki from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century? Based on appearances, you'd think that was the case; in reality the pint-sized actor is Italian native Felix Silla, who is still alive at the age of 73, making a living with his signature at Sci-Fi conventions like Buck Rogers himself, Gil Gerard.

While Tony Randall's claim to fame came with t.v.'s The Odd Couple as Felix Unger, Silla is credited with two classiv t.v. roles: Twiki and Couisin Itt from The Addams Family. You go Felix!!!

A Very Young, Very Hot Gary Burghoff: Vice, Vexation and Vindication

2009-09-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

by Contributing Correspondent

Zip Rand-Masterclean

When the Rand-Mastercleans first stepped off of the Mayflower some 900 or so years ago, we had no idea what a savage impact a very young, very, VERY hot Gary Burghoff would have on our family history. Well, here’s the dirt if you must have it:
VICE: The year was 1976. America was celebrating its 200th birhtday, and I was a boyish teenager helping Grandma Rand-Mastercleam finish up her bicentennial quilt. M*A*S*H was aplaying on the boob tube, and we were having a few chuckles when Grandma got racy and said, and I quote, “That Wayne Rogers gets my blood flowing, I’ll tell you that.” Well, I suppose I was caught up in all the craziness, because I blurted out “Well, my little penis would have a field day with that darling little Gary Burghoff!”
Vexation: Needless to say, the knitting needling halted to the sound of a record needle dragging across grooved vinyl, and while I was not cast out completely, I was certainly blackballed from any of the Rand-Masterclean’s reindeer games. I was teased, scoffed at, jostled, mimicked—even forced to sit alone at a table for twelve at the annual family reunion in Port Chester. I existed in a living hell for nearly one calendar year, until…
Vindication! Grandpa Rand-Masterclean let out his last wheezing gasp in March of ’77, and though I was cut out of his billions, I was allowed to scrape around in his study for whatever trinkets I wanted to keep as my own. Well, get this: in a check for petty cash under the pee-stained daybed mattress, what did I find? A curious little novelette entitled Dormitory Boy. Yes, a dirty little saga of boy meeting boy in the most intimate manner. And what did I find tucked inside? None other than three photos: one, a bare and hairy-chested Lyle Wagoner; a bathing-suited wet-as-a-washcloth Karl Malden; and, tucked neatly between page 86 and 87, this very photo of a very young, very hot Gary Burghoff!

God bless you Walter "Radar" O’Reilly! And for the rest of you Rand-Mastercleans out there who are jealous of the continued fame I have found on this blog: once and for all, in the name of justice, I did not plant those photos and pictures!

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze (August 18, 1952 - September 14, 2009)

2009-09-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Who can forget Patrick Swayze's famous declaration as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing: "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" While it may be true that NO ONE put Baby in the corner in that 1987 film, when the world bellowed, "Nobody puts Swayze in the coffin!" it fell on God's deaf ears.

People magazine's SEXIEST MAN ALIVE from 18 years ago (Has it been that long?) has passed away after a lengthy bout with pancreatic cancer. Loved by the ladies for his roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost and by the guys for Red Dawn, Road House and Point Break, Patrick Wayne Swayze even made his mark as an icon in niche markets: the gays gobbled him up as the indelible drag queen Vida Boheme in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar while the Emo youth were introduced to him in the cult classic Donnie Darko as Jim Cunningham.

Swayze leaves behind his wife of 24 years, Lisa Niemi, two sisters, and two brothers, one of whom is actor Don Swayze. For all things Don Swayze, check out http://www.donswayze.com/.

* Don Swayze with older brother Patrick

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

2009-09-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

For this week's "Very Young, Very Hot" I've selected a man in uniform. After all, the ladies tend to be a sucker for . . . Well, you know the rest.

Baring a striking resemblance to a Top Gun Tom Cruise, this military man once sported a sexy overbite and a boyish come-hither stare. Unlike Cruise, this week's pick is no star of the screen, but he had been in the newspapers and on the television A LOT in 2008.
True, he's old now, but back in the day he was VERY YOUNG and VERY HOT.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (8/31/09 - 9/6/09)

2009-09-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

Former NFL player and ex-coach of Da Bears, Mike Ditka, obviously has NO RIGHT showing his skin to the sun (as evidenced by the picture above). But his lobster coloring, complete with sunglass marks, does make him look a helluva lot like Ron Pearlman's Hellboy character.

R.I.P. John Quade (April 1, 1938 – August 9, 2009)

2009-09-02T07:03:00.000-07:00

Born John William Saunders in Kansas City, Kansas, young Saunders went on to be dubbed John Quade, a silver screen heavy who appeared in indelible films with Clint Eastwood: High Plains Drifter and The Outlaw Josey Wales. But who could forget his role as Cholla the Black Widow Biker in both of Clint's orangutan flicks (Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can)?

Oddly enough, one of Quade's most memorable lines wasn't in an Eastwood film! In the 1987 biopic La Bamba, which chronicled the life and death of Richie Valens, Quade played a bartender. In his one and only scene, which came opposite actor Esai Morales who plays Valens' stepbrother Bob, Quade shuts off the tv behind the bar, prompting Morales to tell him to put it back on, adding, "That dude's my brother!" In reply Quade quips, "Yeah and I'm your Irish uncle."

Mr. Quade, who passed away at his home in Rosamond, California, is survived by his wife, 6 children and 10 grandchildren, not to mention his mother, 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

To our Irish Uncle John, a fine Irish proverb:

Dá mbeifeá chomh láidir le crann darach, gheobhaidh an bás an ceann is fearr ort.

If you are as strong as an oak tree, death will still vanquish you.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26- 2/1)

2009-02-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

I FINALLY caved in and bought a Wii this past weekend as my ladyfriend and I were shopping. So what am I irritated about do you ask? With that purchase yesterday, I've embarked on a future that is more sedentary than it used to be as I sit my gamer ass on mine and my ladyfriend's couch, pretending to be on a tennis court or on a baseball field as I munch on Doritos and throw back a 2 liter Dr. Pepper. Oh, I'm embarking on the path toward obesity, and I'm scared. Someone help me!

This Week's Seaparated At Birth (2/9 - 2/15)

2009-02-12T18:00:00.001-08:00

Greg "Shock G" Jacobs (aka "Humpty Hump"), the Groucho Marx of rap music, looks a helluva lot like new Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. "Okay, Dems!" said the Republicans. "You wanna showcase a black for the presidency, we'll give you one too." A black man holding a prominent position for the GOP? I'm sure some of the party members are looking at Mr. Steele and picturing him sing, "Stop what you're doin' 'cause I'm about to ruin the party and the color that you're used to."

Adrienne Barbeau: Praise for the Days Before Silcone

2009-02-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

by Seamus O'Goolihy (guest blogger)

As a young lad in Ireland, I was confronted with two problems: one, there wasn't much television--as a child, the shows were mostly just still pictures of the saints, with a narration from the local priest--added to that, what with my eighteen brothers and sisters and both sets of grandparents packed into our small Dublin house, I had almost no refuge, no haven where I could release my sexual desires. Thus, I was missing two crucial elements any teenage boy would need in such a pubescent endeavor: space and inspiration.

Then one evening, as the church bells called all of us children in from play, I heard a strange sound coming from the telly. It was a song. A show from America! Maude was its name, complete with real-life actors and color as well. Then, as I sat on the sofa to have a look, she appeared: a dark-haired woman with swinging breasts the size of which I had never seen. Within half a second, I imagined myself an ancient Roman coming home from battle, and she, my wife, my lovetoy, with whom I could release any and all of my desires. As I imagined myself tearing off her robe and and exposing her milky-white mammoths, I exploded with such force, the jism tearing through my trousers and onto the floor near Grandpa Murtaugh's clubfoot. Lucky was I that young Connor was eating a bowl of porridge on the floor, and I could blame my predicament on him before searching for some privacy, for the woman who excited my loins was still on the screen, and I was ready for the second salvo. Indeed, while I was more devoted than any other man to Maude and the actress I grew to know as Adrienne Barbeau, I couldn't so much as hear the words "and then there's Maude" without running to the bathroom with my hands across my groin.

So I'll end my story with this: the years since Maude have given television audiences many other well endowed ladies, but with the advent of silicone implants and women like that pathetic cougar Demi Moore, I doubt the honesty of any modern girl, which is why, when 'tis time to release my milky manhood, I hearken back to an era of truth and beauty, and the queen of the age, Adrienne Barbeau. John Carpenter, may you rot in hell, you lucky bastard!

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/26 - 2/1)

2009-01-26T17:02:00.001-08:00

Holy Sweet Jesus, let's put The Wizard of Oz on Broadway so that Jerry Stiller can play the Mayor of Munchkinland! I can hear Jerry's gruff voice singing the words first sung by Charlie Becker, the original mini mayor: "As mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the land of Oz, I welcome you most regally."

And if Mr. Stiller refuses our casting call, deciding that he'd like to play Oz himself, we'll say, "No, Jerry! Damn it, no! A thousand times, no! You were born to play the MAYOR, Jerry. The role of Oz . . . we're giving it to your son."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/26 - 2/1)

2009-01-26T16:47:00.001-08:00

Why on Earth did I stay to watch the lackluster ending dance number in Slumdog Millionaire?All I've been hearing about this movie is "You gotta see the ending!" Well, you know what: Bollywood, Schmollywood, it was crap! All I learned is that two of the film's actors, Dev Patel (Jamal) and Freida Pinto (Latika), couldn't dance their way out of a basket even if a snake charmer beckoned them with his flute. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed the film, but the dance featured piss-poor choreography in addition to taking me out of the contemplative, somber mood I had been brought into.

Verbal Misunderstanding, Man's Reason To Live

2009-01-19T16:54:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday morning Jerry Amerstam went to his Brooklyn corner deli as always for a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich (on a Kaiser roll), light on the salt, heavy on the pepper, heavy on the ketchup. But a little after 9 a.m. he heard something which, according to the 56-year-old bus dispatcher, gave him "a reason to live."

Mr. Amerstam recalled, "I was just standing there, waiting for my sandwich, when a guy in a chef's outfit comes in, and I hear him ask Billy [William Santoro, the deli's owner], 'You got any meunster cheese, chief ?'"

What caused the recently divorced man to break into riotous laughter, however, wasn't the chef's question; it was what both he and Santoro thought they had heard from the anxious chef. "I give Jerry his sandwich," stated Santoro, "then I ask this chef guy how much meunster cheese he needs. Well, he says, 'No, I need mustard seeds!' At this point, Jerry breaks out into the loudest laugh I've ever heard, slapping his knee and all."

* Jerry Amerstam (center) no longer plans on checking out of this world anytime soon thanks to what he thought heard at his local deli.

Amerstam, whose wife filed for divorce this past September, has felt depressed about his marriage's demise. The Williamsburg resident even admitted to thinking about jumping onto the Broooklyn Queens Expressway this past Christmas Eve. All of that, though, seems to have changed ever since the incident between the chef and the deli owner. "I'm telling ya, somebody's gotta make this into a movie, or at least a book," suggested Amerstam. "Stuff like this doesn't happen everyday."

* William "Billy" Santoro, owner of "The Corner Place," is confident that Amerstam, a devoted cutomer, will be back for his breakfast sandwich for years to come.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/19)

2009-01-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

I am IRATE that actor Adrian Zmed is on VH1's Confessions of a Teen Idol mostly because of some of the other actors on the show who DO NOT DESERVE to flush the toilet that Mr. Zmed defecates into. Actors like David Chokachi (Who?) of Baywatch are so bush league in comparison to the star of T.J. Hooker and Grease 2!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/19 - 1/25)

2009-01-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

Don't hate me all you Roman Catholics, but last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" article featured the now-deceased Pope John Paul II. The picture of PJP2 was of him when he was known as Karol Wojtyla, a young, hot man who would one day go on to become the FIRST POLISH POPE.

For this week, I'll be less irreverent, going back to Hollywood for an image of youth and hotness. Yes, as evidenced by the above picture, it's a pic of another guy, but that's what makes this weekly piece different. After all, the famous femmes are always credited for being "Very Young" and "Very Hot," but unless you're Clooney or Pitt, we guys seldom get our recognition. So, who is the young, hot under-shirted male celeb this week? Hint: he once starred with Patrick Swayze in a VERY DIRTY film at a time when he was neither VERY YOUNG nor VERY HOT.

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/19 - 1/25)

2009-01-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the fine folks at dlisted for this pic of Amy Casa de Vino on vaycay in St. Lucia, a shot actually taken by a photog from England's Sun. Am I the only one asking, "And I was oddly attracted to her dirtiness, complete with heroin tracks, overly mascared raccoon eyes, and three-day worn panties?"

If that's true, I must also have the hots for Tim Curry as Dr. Frankenfurter, the star of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yuk! Can you say, The Crying Game? Sweet Jesus, gimme some turpentine to clean my tainted flesh!

P.S. Thank you MK for covering Amy's molehills with pictures of her hubby, Blake.

Did You Know? (Part I)

2009-01-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

I hate to admit that I've gone most of my life thinking that the guy who played Blacula in two blaxploitation films--Blacula (1972) and its sequel Scream Blacula Scream (1973)--was most likely some down-on-his-luck brother who took on the role of the black bloodsucker for an embarrassing paltry paycheck. Though I've often scoffed at the Blacula character, I was dead wrong to mock the man behind the widow's peak! Did you know . . .

1.) William Marshall, the man who played Blacula, grew up the son of a dentist, attending New York University before training at the Actors Studio.

2.) He was Hollywood Horror Legend Boris Karloff's understudy in the 1950 Broadway production of Peter Pan for the role of Captain Hook.

3.) He also starred in a vast number of Shakespearean productions in the U.S. and abroad, playing the title role of Othello numerous times.

4.) On tv, he made his way into episodes of The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, Bonanza, Rawhide, Ben Casey, The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Star Trek, The Wild Wild West, Mannix, The Jeffersons, and Benson.

5.) On the silver screen, he acted in Demetrius and the Gladiators (with Victor Mature), The Boston Strangler, and Maverick.

5.) He assumed the role of the King of Cartoons on tv's Pee-wee's Playhouse, delivering that indelible line: "Let . . . the cartoon . . . begin!"

6.) He taught acting at the University of California, Irvine.

7.) He succumbed to Alzheimer's and diabetes on June 11, 2003, and some of the eulogies spoken at Marshall's funeral were delivered by heavy hitting actors such as Sidney Poitier, Paul Winfield, Ivan Dixon and Marla Gibbs.

A Very Young, Very Hot, Conrad Bain

2009-01-16T07:14:00.001-08:00

by Zip Rand-Masterclean (guest blogger)

Yes, that “wife beater” tank-top wearing Marlon Brando could hold a candle, but not to the megasuperstar that is Conrad Bain, pictured above with the woefully mismatched Rue McClanahan.

A Greek god? No. But oh, so very close as to wonder if the Greeks dared to make statues that resembled anything like our dear Conrad. After a stint on stage and other such Shakespearean blah blah, Bain burst onto the celebrity scene like a savage beast of man, first playing the oh so sexy Dr. Arthur Harmon in the beloved Maude series, and later wowing the entire planet like never before, playing aside that gorgeous chubby-faced cherubic icon Gary Coleman in the unforgettable series, Diff’rent Strokes.

Will celebritydom ever know another Conrad Bain? Impossible to tell, but perhaps as likely as another first man on the moon. What I will say is this: for years and years Conrad Bain gave anyone with a wall outlet and rabbit ears atop the boob tube a chance to laugh, cry, and fall in love with the very epitome of very young, and very hot. For that, the world thanks you Conrad Bain, and may our memories of Diff’rent Strokes season 3, episode 7 (about three minutes in, when CB picks up the newspaper) last throughout the ages.

NEWS FLASH: Senor Montalban es Muerte!

2009-01-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

Frowns everyone, frowns! Mexican-born actor Ricardo Montalban, the star of tv's Fantasy Island (1978-'84), has passed away at the age of 88. Aside from playing Mr. Rourke alongside Tattoo, a character played by midget actor Herve Villechaize, Montalban is also known for his roles as Khan in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, as Vincent Ludwig in The Naked Gun, and as the grandfather in the second and third Spy Kids movies.

Unlike many Hollywood actors, Ricardo Montalban (a.k.a. "Ricky Monts") was married to the same woman, Georgiana Young, from 1944 until her death in 2007--a union that produced 4 children. With that thought in mind, none of us, no matter how much we loved El Senor, should be upset that he has passed on to ascend to that Fantasy Island in the sky. After all, he and his wife have now been returned to one another to live out their days in everlasting happiness, tiptoeing through the clouds and rolling around in them in each other's arms.

I'd like to think that Montalban, his wife, and Herve Villechaize are sitting around one another on chairs of "fine Corinthian leather" at this moment, playing a high stakes game of Baccarat, snacking on salted cashews and Goldfish crackers, and sipping on Old-fashioneds that are garnished with an abundance of maraschino cherries.

You Guess It (1/12 - 1/18)

2009-01-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

In the pic from last week, the man kneeling before GW said, "Don't worry, Mr. President. I can reattach your belt buckle," after the Prez's silver belt buckle--it was in the shape of Texas--came loose and fell to the ground.

Moving to this week's risque pic, when William Shatner played celebrity photographer on the set of a Playboy shoot, what was he overheard to say as he was lounged beside the model?

A.) Oh, Sweet Jesus, you are divine!
B.) Just stay still. I'd like to get a close-up of your areola. It's so pink, so smooth.
C.) I can't believe George Takei wouldn't get off on this.
D.) All the megapixels in the world can't do your body justice!

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/12 - 1/18)

2009-01-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hey, McDonald's, what the hell is up with you not capitalizing the "i" in your slogan "i'm lovin' it"? On top of that, you don't even put a period at the end of the statement. Do you think you're too good for the rules of the English language? You're not fooling me, trying to appeal to the youth by attempting to imitate the popular text messaging style-- a style that often neglects to use ANY form of capitalization!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/12 - 1/18)

2009-01-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

Last week's HOT! HOT HOT! celeb was none other than Willard Scott, best known for his work on NBC's Today as that guy who gives props to superannuated people thanks to the fine people at Smuckers.

For this week's clue I have selected a person who TRULY became larger than life in his older years, known to billions of people. However, back in the day he was "Very Young" and "Very Hot"! Can you name this man who ascended to the pearly gates in 2005?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/12 - 1/18)

2009-01-10T18:20:00.000-08:00

If you truly remember the '70s and all that it had to offer, you most likely recall Phantom of the Paradise, a film written and directed by Brian De Palma. Combining an ace director with a score from pint-sized Paul Williams of "We've Only Just Begun" fame and an opening narration from Mr. Rod Serling makes this film an indelible guilty pleasure.

And doesn't Mrs. Brady, Florence Henderson, look like the film's main character, the Phantom? Oh how similar their eyes and beaks are!!! I must thank my friend and colleague, John Reeves, for this week's selection. Well done, good man!

You Guess It (1/5 - 1/11)

2009-01-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

In last week's "You Guess It," Barack Obama said neither A, B nor C, so the answer is D: "None of the above." In fact, President-Elect Obama was telling the soon-to-be V.P. about the meal he and his wife had the night before at Washington, D.C.'s Acadiana restaurant, a Southern Louisiana-style eatery.

So let's get down to the brass tax. With G.W.B.'s days in the White House numbered, I figured I'd feature him before it's too late (Then again, with Dubbya, is it ever too late?).

*What is the man in front of the soon-to-be former U.S. President saying to the Commander in Chief?

A.) Mr. President, people will talk about how that man is standing so close to your backside.
B.) Hold on, Mr. President. My finger seems to have found its way into your zipper.
C.) Don't worry, Mr. President. I can reattach your belt buckle.
D.) Mr. President, you're so tall!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (1/5 - 1/11)

2009-01-08T07:33:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are perplexed by last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" actor, the answer is Mr. Robert Wagner, known as "R.J." to those closest to the actor. Yes, back in the day, well before television's Hart to Hart, Wagner was quite the catch.

This week's edition features a man who has made a career of Weather and Birthdays. If that's not enough of a clue, I don't know what is. Back in the '50s, however, this Virginian was a radio DJ, and he appeared on Barn Party, a children's television show. Back then (as evidenced by the picture above) he was quite young and hot, gap in the teeth and all! Who is he?

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/5 - 1/11)

2009-01-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

What the hell has happened to the mother of Sylvester Stallone? Somebody better tell Jackie Stallone that she's getting WACKY with her plastic surgery! Eeee-nuff already! Jeez, she looks like a Michael Myers mask.

Oh well, Sly, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, now does it, Mr. Cat Eyes?

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (12/29 - 1/4)

2009-01-06T07:44:00.000-08:00

THANK GOD my lady friend didn't get me a Snuggie for Christmas. I mean really, a blanket WITH SLEEVES??? The last I checked a blanket with sleeves is called a BACKLESS ROBE! The tv ad suggests you even wear one at an outdoor sporting event. You might as well wear a Liberace tuxedo while you're at it or a full mink coat (ala Joe Namath). CAVEAT EMPTOR: Though the people at Snuggie advertise a buy-one-get-one-free deal when you buy one Snuggie for $19.95, you'll have to pay an additional $7.95 for shipping and handling; that's on top of the initial $7.95 you pay to ship the first one! Oh, I forgot, you get a free book light. That makes all the difference.

Chad Pennington's Hair (Episode 1)

2009-01-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

Since I don't have much hair myself, I take great delight in those who are still in possession of their lustrous locks, never missing an opportunity at casting jibes their way. Since the Miami Dolphins are playing for their post-season lives today, I turn my attention to their quarterback, Chad Pennington.

* Chad's hair needs to be tamed. The waviness at the side is distracting, not to mention the front, which doesn't know if it wants to be parted or methodically tousled with product. I mean, c'mon Pennington! Do guys still use gel?

A graduate of Marshall and the former QB of the Jets, I've long considered Pennington's locks to resemble a run-of-the-mill Hair Club for Men patient. You be the judge!

* A Hair Club patient before . . .

* . . . and after!

Who Is More Likely . . . ? (12/28 - 1/4)

2009-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

Those of you who have seen the film Ghost are no strangers to Tony Goldwyn's ruthless character (Carl Bruner), a supposed friend of Patrick Swayze's character (Sam Wheat) who has him killed off for the almighty dollar only to pursue his bereft girlfriend (Molly Jensen) played by Demi Moore.

Though I hope that just as many of you are also familiar with Patrick Swayze's kid brother, Don, something tells me that I'd be wrong.

With that said, here's my morbid question: After Patrick Swayze succumbs to pancreatic cancer and becomes a ghost, who will be more likely to drop in on his wife, Lisa Niemi, during her time of grief, offering the new widow a sturdy shoulder on which to cry while all the while thinking about the possibility of sex with her in Patrick Swayze's former bed?

* Will it be actor Tony Goldwyn, the man who moved in on Swayze's on-screen love interest in Ghost, or . . .

* Don Swayze, the younger brother of Patrick Swayze whose face makes him look like he's constantly sucking on a lemon?

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (12/29 - 1/4)

2009-01-01T18:09:00.000-08:00

* One last time: the title for this piece comes from a professor I had as an undergrad. One time, this professor, a man I came to admire, prefaced the viewing of a film by saying to the class, "This adaptation of Tennesse Williams' Cat on a Hot Tin Roof stars a VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT Paul Newman." Similarly, he also said, "This production of Desire Under the Elms stars a VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT Anthony Perkins." It is to this professor, a man who shall rename nameless, to whom I dedicate this feature on my blog.

Congrats to those of you who guessed the last "Very Young, Very Hot" actor as none other than Mr. Leslie Nielsen, best know for his role as Lt. Frank Drebin on tv's Police Squad and in The Naked Gun films.

For this week, I've selected an actor whose autobiography was released not too long ago. He was a star of television and film for several decades. Though the passage of years have resulted in him doing lowly tv commercials about reverse mortgages for older folks, back in the day he was relevant, not to mention VERY YOUNG and VERY HOT.

You Guess It (12/29 - 1/4)

2008-12-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

As a teacher, I often use multiple-choice questions on quizzes or tests. Hey, they're a lot better than the lame True of False questions that ANY moron with ANY amount of luck could get right. With that stated, here's a new feature I'm adding to ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO POST. Please post your comment to me with your answer. Enjoy.

* What words did President-Elect Obama speak to Vice President-Elect Biden in the picture below?

A. "Don't listen to Senator Dodd. Your hair looks wonderful!"

B. "Joe, stop staring at Barney Frank. He may take it the wrong way."

C. "If you call me B.O. one more time, I'll cut you loose like a 20-dollar whore."

D. None of the above.

* The answer will be posted NEXT WEEK.

NEWS FLASH: Abe Vigoda Is NOT Dead!

2008-12-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

At the age of 87, Abe Vigoda is still alive as I type these words. Best known for his role as Salvatore Tessio in The Godfather and The Godfather II, Vigoda also had a memorable role in Look Who's Talking as John Travolta's grandfather. His death was erroneously reported by People magazine in '82, and since then his mortality has become ubiquitous fodder; there are even websites devoted to this topic. Check out http://www.abevigodacom/ for daily updates on A.V.

If you'd like to cheer on Abe Vigoda in his quest to continue living, I suggest you buy a t-shirt from http://kurtsshirts.com/ They offer a fun tee with a picture of the actor when he played the loveable Detective Sergeant Phil Fish on tv's Barney Miller. Here's to Mr. Vigoda living in '09!

This Week's Separated At Birth (12/29 - 1/4)

2008-12-30T08:01:00.000-08:00

* Billy Crystal looks a helluva lot like famed Hispanic actor Hector Elizondo. The winner of an Emmy in '97 for his role as Dr Phillip Watters in Chicago Hope, Elizondo can now be seen in a tv show that no one watches: Monk.

Jesse's Cryin'?

2008-11-05T17:12:00.001-08:00

Forget about Jamie's Cryin'--the popular song by Aerosmith--what about Rev. (?) Jesse Jackson yesterday when Barack Obama became America's first African-American President? Mr. Rainbow Coalition himself turned on the waterworks to become the EIGHTH DWARF: Weepy. Isn't this the same guy who during a break from taping a segment on The O'Reilly Factor muttered that he wanted Obama's cajones?

Sour grapes if you ask from me. Now that Obama's bringin' some black to the White House, it looks like somebody doesn't want to be left behind with Rev. Al Sharpton, playing the role of the second banana to an African-American community who has no need for him as a mouthpiece.

Hey Barack, you've done what Jackson could never do. You've also cut your ties to questionable people like Reverend Jeremiah "God Damn America!" Wright, but accepting Rev. (?) Jackson's olive branch would be unwise. Don't forget that he referred to Jews as Hymies and to NYC as Hymie Town during his first bid for the presidency, if you could call it that.

This Week's Separated At Birth (9/28 - 10/5)

2008-10-02T05:07:00.000-07:00

* I hate to admit it, but Mr. Oriole himself, Cal Ripken, is looking more and more like the face of Darth Vader with each passing day. Those of you REAL Star Wars fans know that the humpty-dumpty-looking face of the maskless Vader was that of British actor Sebastian Shaw (God rest his soul!), not David Prowse, the man INSIDE THE SUIT. Hey Cal, if you gain any more wait, you're gonna start looking like John Waters' muse, Divine.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (9/29 - 10/5)

2008-10-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

* Before his film career as a bumbling, white-haired lieutenant, this Canadian-born actor was very young and very hot on the silver screen, taking a trip to a forbidden planet! Next he'll star in Slap Shot 3: The Junior League. Hell, I didn't even know there was a Slap Shot 2!

NEWS FLASH: Clay Aiken is Gay?

2008-09-25T06:46:00.001-07:00

He had us fooled for all these years with his bevy of Claymates and his strong Southern drawl, not to mention the birth of his baby boy, Parker Foster Aiken, this past August. And we all thought Mr. Clay Aiken (aka "King of the Blue Eyeliner") was indeed straight. What the hell were we thinking? The last time a similar news story shocked the American public, the people cried, "No! Not Liberace!"

This Week's Separated At Birth (8/11 - 8/17)

2008-08-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

* Their similar hair, noses and eyes makes me wonder if actor Eric Bogosian was indeed Slim Goodbody, sporting that spandex outfit back in the '80s. Goodbody, who was created and performed by John Burstein, is still at it in the 21st century, continuing to don that flesh-colored body suit. For more info on Slim, visit http://www.slimgoodbody.com/.

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . ? (8/11 - 8/17)

2008-08-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

The obvious choice for last week's clue is Winona Ryder (not Alec Baldwin), but the notorious five-fingered femme WOULD NOT eat the Sun Chips while grocery shopping before hiding the bag behind Enquirer magazines at the checkout. The reason: Ms. Ryder is one of these "Green" Hollywood celebs; out of her respect for this eco-friendly company who makes their product in California using solar energy she would pay for the bag. As for a bag of Cheetos, the jury is stil out on that one. It is Alec Baldwin who would be the offender! His fear of being lumped into the same category as a pregnant woman for munching in the supermarket would force him to hide the empty bag; however, his guilty conscience would force him to give the checker a five-dollar tip.

For this week's question, I turn to the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing and two of China's greatest men, Bao Xishun and He Pingping. Xishun, China's tallest man, and Pingping, China's shortest man, are a VERY adorable couple for obvious reasons, yet I ask, Which of these two oddities is more likely to engage in the fetish of staking out the women's section of a Chinese department store and waiting for a woman to select a pair of jeans or shorts, try them on in a dressing room, and return them to their rightful place due to their dissatisfaction with the fit, at which time the voyeur bides his time before picking up the garment and nonchalantly sniffing its crotch for a feminine odor?

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/11 - 8/17)

2008-08-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

* The "Very Young, Very Hot" actress from last week's clue who still maintains her sexiness is none other than Italy's own Sofia Villani Scicolone, known to film audiences as Sofia Loren. The star of El Cid and Pret-a-Porter will turn sexy 74 this September 20th.

Moving onto this week's celeb, I found a snapshot of him in all his youthful sexiness. Incidentally, I had the pleasure of urinating next to this actor several years before his death. I can still remember me and him standing side by side, he with a pipe perched in his mouth as actor Griffin Dunne came behind him and jokingly asked, "(Actor's name deleted for obvious reasons), is that marijuana in your pipe?" Anyway, this star of the stage and screen lived a very long life and was once very sexy in a doting daddy way.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (8/4 - 8/10)

2008-08-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

* After approximately a year and a half of WAITING, the Sirius-XM merger has been approved! Though I'm ecstatic over the news, the victory is bittersweet for this Sirius subscriber who pays his $13.86 a month and who has been holding out for more diverse satellite programming. Though I'm a registered Republican, I tend to vote for the Dems, but this Sirius-XM union makes me want to vote for McCain this Novemeber. After all, the two people on the FCC who voted against this deal were Democrats Jonathan Adelstein and Michael Copps. Thank god the three Republicans (Kevin Martin, Robert McDowell and Deborah Taylor Tate) had the common sense to not see this merger as a monopoly. I say, "Give me Oprah and MLB along with the Howard Stern and NFL that I already pay for!"

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (8/4 - 8/10)

2008-08-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

* The "Very Young, Very Hot" actor who was last week's clue is now a 78-year-old man, but there's no doubt about it that he was HOT back in the day. Even though his gunslinging days are in the past, Clinton Eastwood, Jr.'s performances in the Sergio Leone "Spaghetti Westerns" will be with us forever!

For this week's clue we have a female, which I'm sure you've already gathered from the risque photo above. This actress, both then and now, could put the marinara on my spaghetti any day.

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . ? (8/4 - 8/10)

2008-08-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

The answer to the Jan Michael Vincent question from a few weeks ago is . . . DRUMROLL . . . the 1980s Jan Michael of Airwolf fame, and here's why: the Jan Michael who lives among us today is a sad alcoholic who ain't got a pot to piss in, which is why he wouldn't be able to afford the luxury of a Stella Artois 6-pack. 21st-century Jan is more likely to drink rubbing alcoholc (ala Kitty Dukakis) or Old Milwaukee, not a premium Belgian brew. On the other hand, '80s Jan would freely spend his wad of Benjamins on libations, but he'd keep his beer to himself at a backyard barbecue because he CAN . . . he's Mr. AIRWOLF.

As for this week's question, who is more likely to open up a bag of Sun Chips and munch on 3/4 of the bag while shopping for groceries before reaching the checkout and hiding the crumpled, nearly depleted bag behind a National Enquirer? A.) Winona "Been Caught Stealing" Rider

B.) Alec "Never Been Caught Stealing" Baldwin

This Week's Separated At Birth (8/4 - 8/10)

2008-08-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

* Years before John Denver went LEAVING ON A JET PLANE when he died in a plane crash on October 12, 1997, he was a moptopped folk singer who looked eerily similar to tennis legend Martina Navratilova.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzbock This Week (7/1 - 7/27)

2008-07-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

* Michael Alan WEINER, the controversial conservative media blowhard better known as Michael Savage, has hit a new low. No, this time it's not a gay Muslim democrat that he's bashing; it's AUTISM and the children who live with it each day of their lives! WEENIE MAN has definitely lived up to his surname this time, referring to autism as "the illness du jour." As if that wasn't enough, the BIG WEINER added, "You know what autism is? I'll tell you what autism is in 99.9% of the cases: It's a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out." In response to the Imuslike uproar WEINER has rightfully received, his response began: "My comments about autism were meant to boldly awaken parents and children to the medical community's attempt to label too many children or adults as 'autistic.'" Thanks, WEINER, for looking out for the welfare of the masses. I'll be sure to spread your message to the .10% of children and their families who, in your professional opinion as a WEINER, truly live with autism. Why don't you come to the school where I teach, walk into an autistic classroom, and see if 99.9% of it is filled with "little brats." You truly are a SAVAGE WEINER!

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/28 - 8/2)

2008-07-28T11:21:00.000-07:00

* Last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" actor was Mr. Brady himself, Robert Reed. The picture of him was a publicity shot from the tv series The Defenders, which aired in the early 1960s.

As for the celeb who's on the chopping block for this week, we have ANOTHER male actor; don't worry . . . there'll be a female next week! The actor pictured above, looking quite young and hot in a leather jacket and white t-shirt, went on to become a TRUE auteur of Hollywood films, but above all, he's known for the work he did in the WEST. Do ya feel lucky this week?

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/28 - 8/3)

2008-07-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

* Forget about Liv Tyler being the Aerosmith frontman's daughter. Getta load of Ms. Melissa Rivers! Is Missy the love child of Steven Tyler and Joan Rivers? If this is not the case, and it's

socially acceptable for Melissa and Steven to get it on, what kind of mouth would their offspring have?

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . (7/21 - 7/27)

2008-07-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

The answer to last week's question was surprisingly BARACK OBAMA. It is he who would neglect to pay his paperboy. He and his wife Michelle, first of all, are RARELY home in Illinois. As a result, their paperboy usually has to wait quite a while to receive payment, going so far as to sneak attack Mr. Obama for the unpaid bill. Some advice to the Obamas: Put a trusty neighbor in charge of passing your payment onto the young lad newsboy.

As for John McCain, he shouldn't have even been considered for last week's question. John and Cindy cancelled their subscription to the Arizona Republic News several months ago. According to an inside source, the McCains were irate with the laziness of their paperboy (He was actually a fortysomething-year-old man.) for throwing the paper as he drove by in his 1985 Chevrolet Caprice Classic station wagon.

This week's query will be a little easier. Who is more likely to bring two 6-packs of Stella Artois beer to a backyard barbecue and keep it to himself in a compact blue and white Playmate cooler that he hides behind a potted plant, discreetly reaching for a bottle from the folding chair on which he plops himself for the duration of the party?

A.) A 1980's Jan-Michael Vincent when he was on top of the world in tv's Airwolf, or . . .

B.) a 21st century alcoholic, incoherent Jan-Michael who can't remember when to go to the bathroom?

C'mon, you can do it! There are a lot of clues in this week's question.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (7/14 - 7/20)

2008-07-20T18:54:00.001-07:00

Soon after the recent passing of former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow became public, I heard someone say, "First Bobby Murcer; now Tony Snow! I wonder who's gonna be next? They always say deaths come in three." To this moron I wanted to shout, "You! That's who's gonna die next. You!" I mean does anyone REALLY believe that deaths, like tennis balls, come in packs of three? Why do they not also come in ones, twos, fours, fives, etc.? After all, doesn't a second death precede a third death and a fourth succeed a third?

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/21 - 7/27)

2008-07-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

* The "Very Young, Very Hot" femme belle from last week was Shelley Winters, the robust woman who sacrificed her life in The Poseidon Adventure. Younger audiences will remember her as Roseanne's grandmother on tv's Roseanne.

For this week, we have a man who is no longer with us (He passed away in the early '90s.). However, back in the early '60s he was YOUNG and HOT before becoming a FAMOUS television father.

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/21 - 7/27)

2008-07-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

* Whoever cast THE GOONIES film and didn't select John Madden to play one of Mama Fratelli's sons should be banned from EVER being a casting agent again. Famous character actress Anne Ramsey, who succumbed to cancer in 1988 at the age of 58, (Yes, she was ONLY 58!!!) looks like Mr. Madden's mama. This, however, leads me to wonder who would play the other Fratelli brother.

Feel free to post a comment with any of your suggestions. Until next week . . .

WHO IS MORE LIKELY . . . (7/14 - 7/20)

2008-07-16T20:01:00.000-07:00

A new feature (along with "This Week's Separated At Birth," "A Very Young, Very Hot . . . ," and "What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week") has been added to this blog's lineup. Quite simply, I'm calling it, "Who is More Likely . . . ," and I hope you all enjoy it.

For this week's question, I ask, who is more likely to neglect to pay the paperboy for several weeks, if not months, before being put into a position to do so upon meeting up with the paperboy when slowly, carefully exiting their home to circumspectly retrieve the paper only to be snuck up on by the paperboy who has been hiding behind a large front yard shrub?

*Please, do not be swayed by the pictures below.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/14 - 7/20)

2008-07-16T19:38:00.001-07:00

* I hope you guessed that last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" celeb was none other than Mr. (Fred) Rogers. Though he's passed on to the Neighborhood of Make Believe in the sky, we still have his shows to keep his memory alive; however, he is neither very young nor very hot in them.
As for this week's star who was youthfully sexy, I'm selecting a female . . . FINALLY; I do so in response to the many e-mails I've received that have labeled me, Reid Erzblock, a card-carrying homosexual. As a burly meat-and-potatoes man, I'm sinking to my detractors' level in defending myself.

The lady above (with the more-than-ample bosom) was a sexy siren in her younger days before she perished on the Poseidon decades later. C'mon, you have to get this one!

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/14 - 7/20)

2008-07-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

* Famous badass character actor Michael Ironside (He even has a badass last name!) looks strikingly similar to deceased Russian badass Bolshevik Vladimir Lenin. Their bald heads, facial whiskers, and eyes are a marriage made in HEAVEN! Keep in mind: Mr. Ironside is opening his eyes wide, but in their sedentary state, they appear more like Lenin's.
* Hell, let's throw one more badass into the mix: Jack Nicholson. There's no doubt he could be Michael Ironside's older brother.

McCain Fails to Wear Blackface at NAACP Convention

2008-07-16T16:46:00.001-07:00

Presidential nominee John McCain spoke before the NAACP today, but the rumors that he would don blackface makeup went unsubstantiated when the Ohio crowd at the historic organization's 99th anuual convention saw nothing but white skin and liver spots. As is usually the case, a disapproving frown (pictured below) often blanketed the Republican nominee's countenance many times throughout the duration of the speech.

* McCain gives his trademark look of disapproval.

According to a member of Barack Obama's camp, McCain was toying with the idea of wearing blackface to try and "endear" himself to the African-American voters who perceive the 71-year-old as "old" and "curmudgeonly." Jill Lewis, one of the Democratic nominee's public relations assistants, said, "We heard from a reputable source that this was supposed to happen; apparently, we were wrong."

However, while team Obama is stewing over McCain's decision to nix the stunt, Republicans are describing the accusation as pure nonsense. Senator Tom Coburn of Ohio (R) called the claim an "obvious attempt to sully McCain's character." Similarly, fellow Republican senator John Warner (Virginia) characterized the Obama camp's accusation as a mere story: "I don't know what kind of jungle juice the Democrats are drinking, but it has to be something that's helping create some wild fiction."
* Ted Danson wore blackface (ala Al Jolson) at a Friars' Club roast for his then-girlfriend Whoopi Goldberg; the stunt led to the former Cheers star being dubbed a racist.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (7/7 - 7/12)

2008-07-12T07:45:00.000-07:00

* Last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" celeb was Audrey Hepburn's co-star in Breakfast at Tiffany's; he also led the pack as Hannibal on television's A-Team. Still haven't guessed it? Well, he was George Peppard, God rest his soul!
As for this week's clue, he, before passing away, was a daytime television star. Many years before he made it big in a neighborhood that was HIS, this man, as evidenced by the picture above, was young and hot.

This Week's Separated At Birth (7/7 - 7/13)

2008-07-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

* If it were possible for a woman to give birth to a puppet, Madame, the ubiquitous presence of '70's and '80's television, would be the inanimate child of Broadway legend Carol Channing. Then again, some sort of a creature would have to copulate with Ms. Channing for such a birth to occur.

Famous Vietnam Vet Curses Reporter For "Stupid" Question

2008-07-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

Vietnam vet Ron Kovic, who took his Purple Heart and parlayed his paralysis into a bestselling book and Academy Award-winning film, Born on the Fourth of July, which starred Tom Cruise, expects EVERYONE to know his birthday. So when a reporter, last week, asked the anti-war activist what he would be doing on the 4th, Kovic reportedly replied, "What the hell d'ya think I'll be doing?"

As the South Carolina-based Post and Courier journalist, Fryderyk Wysoki, simply stared at Kovic, who was in Charleston for an anti-war rally, the veteran, according to Wysoki, became increasingly more irate, shouting, "Just what the f-ck d'ya think I'll be doing? Don't you know who the f-ck I am? And you call yourself a f-cking journalist?" before wheeling by the dumbfounded reporter as he muttered numerous parting expletives.

* Reporter Fryderyk Wysoki kneeling before Kovic, moments before the Vietnam vet verbally assaulted the journalist for his lack of knowledge.

What Kovic didn't know, however, is that Wysoki, a Polish reporter who has been with South Carolina's Courier and Times as part of a culture-sharing program with Poland's Gazeta Polska (Polish Gazette), is in the United States to learn about people like Ron Kovic.

On this 4th of July, regardless of his treatment of a foreign reporter, let us not forget Mr. Kovic's beautifully written prose, a true reminder of the sacrifices offered by our nation's brave men and women: "I am the living death, the Memorial Day on wheels. I am your Yankee Doodle Dandy, your John Wayne come home, your Fourth of July firecracker exploding in the grave."

Isn't everyone's entitled to having a bad day every now and then? In fact, perhaps, at this moment, a Polish war veteran is cursing out an American reporter.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/31 - 7/6)

2008-07-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

* Was once-Hollywood hottie Rory Calhoun, the star of television's The Texan (1959 -60), the REAL father of George Clooney? True, Clooney's father, Nick, (below) does appear to have offered his sperm to the concotion that created Hollywood's golden boy, but Calhoun's eyes, as well as his success as an actor, producer and writer, prove him to be a worthy sire.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/30 - 7/6)

2008-06-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Why don't the folks at People do a Sexiest Man Dead issue? Speaking of the dead, this man, who was once very young and hot, was a television star in the 70s and 80s, but well before then, he had brunch--or was it breakfast?--with Audrey Hepburn, who herself was very young and hot. Got rest both of their sexy souls!
By the way, last week's "very young, very hot" clue was none other than Steve Martin.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/23 - 6/29)

2008-06-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

* John McCain, the man who changed the Beach Boys' tune "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran," is looking more and more like a Beach Boy himself, especially when he dons a ballcap. Rumor has it that the Republican presidential nominee may rework "Help Me, Rhonda" into "Trounce Obama" for his campaign's battle cry.

Carlin's Death: It Was Written In The Eyes

2008-06-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've written about Jack Lemmon's eyes before, specifically about how their weak, rheumy appearance foretold his death like Caesar's soothsayer exclaiming, "Beware the Eyes of Mar!" Sadly, another comedian's demise has also come by way of the eyes: George Carlin.

* Carlin's once piercing eyes (bottom pic) became inferior in his old age. At a recent event in Beverly Hills, CA last month, the iconic comedian and father of the "7 Dirty Words" routine was sporting frail peepers (top pic) to the photogs.

I provided you, my faithful readers, ocular evidence when Jack Lemmon passed away; I can only hope that you all will make a concerted effort to look into the eyes of your fellow men and women, urging them to seek immediate medical attention should they exhibit those ominous cloud-filled eyes.

* Ahhh, if only Jack Lemmon had someone to look into his eyes! Who wouldn't want to have seen Grumpiest Old Men?

My observations about the eyes are made more explicit by the people at soilandhealth.org, an organization whose advice should be heeded:

"Normal, healthy eyes should be strong, clear, alert and full of expression. When they are dull, weak or lacking in expression, we may be sure there is something physically or mentally wrong with their possessor Everyone has noted the meaningless expression in the eyes of the drunkard—how they roll about in a heavy, lustreless way in their sockets. This sufficiently demonstrates the intimate relationship between the eyes and the general nervous system. Indeed, it may be said that the eyes are a fair indication of the condition of the stomach and of the whole system. Excessive eating, drinking, smoking, worrying or other debilitating practices are sure to be recorded sooner or later in these delicate and sensitive structures."

Be well,

Reid

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/16 - 6/22)

2008-06-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

For those of you who didn't figure out last week's "Very Young, Very Hot" celeb, it was famed actor Jason Robards. This week's clue is a wild and crazy comic actor, not to mention a pretty damn good author and playwright. But years before this movie icon made his mark in Hollywood (with gray hair and all), he was a very young, very hot clerk at California's Disneyland and Knotsberry Farm.

BACKLOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (6/9 - 6/15)

2008-06-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

The McDonald's Corporation, purveyors of fine food since 1940, are no longer putting sliced tomatoes on their sandwiches for fear of Salmonella poisoning. What about geting rid of the 42 grams of fat and 740 calories that are all tolled with the consumption of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese? Then again, you probably have no problem creating lil' Michelin Men.

This Week's Separated At Birth (6/16 - 6/22)

2008-06-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

* Controversial comedienne Rosie O'Donnell and her sneer take on a Predatorlike appearance. All Ms. O'Donnell needs to do is roll her Moe Howard mop into some bad ass dreads. Maybe then she'll have a career as Predator's stunt double.

Spa Owner's Sperm Sparks Outrage

2008-06-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

Shortly after the news last week that N.YC.'s SHIZUKA new york Spa was offering its clients the "Geisha Facial" (aka the "Bird Poop Facial") for $216 a poop . . . I mean pop, Jerry Haverty, the owner of the Atlanta-based Tranquility Day Spa, had an idea of his own.

* The Shizuka new york Spa, owned by Skizuka Bernstein, where Nightingale droppings are flown in from Japan and are used in a facial concoction that supposedly rids the skin of pollutants, clears pores, and evens out skin tone.

Haverty, a 64-year-old recently-accredited aesthetistician and proprietor of an establishment that opened in October of last year, has found himself in jail for the "Mommy Facial" he added to his spa's list of skin care offerings. This treatment, like the one offered by Shizuka Bernstein's Midtown Manhattan spa, is far from the everyday rejuvenator; however, according to some irate Atlanta residents and former Tranquility clients, Haverty's facial is nothing but a "pervert's potpourri." Oddly enough, the main ingredient of the "Mommy Facial" is semen; moreover, it is Haverty's own semen.

* Jerry Haverty (pictured left) with two Tranquility employees at the Atlanta-based day spa.

Jesse, a thirtysomething housewife and mother of three, who prefers her name be withheld from this article, was the customer who blew the whistle on the spa's owner and his cocktail. "I saw 'Mommy Facial' and thought nothing of it. It sounded different," recalled the Atlanta resident. "It was described by him [Haverty] as a new product that used a natural, milky extract. The smell was pungent and familiar, but, again, I thought nothing of it."

Later in the day, hours after the woman's spa appointment, her husband did think something of it when he went in for an end-of-the-workday kiss and was greeted by a personal odor. He suspected his wife of a possible affair, but a cooler head prevailed after his wife explained that she had had a "legitimate" facial.

Jesse's husband felt awkward contacting the local authorities due to the ridiculousness of the couple's claim and the embarrassment brought on by the offense, but he stated, "I know that smell. If I went to see that pervert myself, I'd be in prison on murder charges!"

Mr. Haverty was questioned at his home on Friday evening and immediately admitted to the charge, but he claimed that the customer knew about the contents of the "Mommy Facial" treatment. Whether Haverty's claim is true or not, he is currently being held on prostitution charges for applying his semen to another person's face even though the act was sex-free.

A VERY YOUNG, VERY HOT . . . (6/9 - 6/15)

2008-06-10T06:12:00.000-07:00

This week's "Very Young, Very Hot" features a well-known stage and screen actor. This Chicago native and World War II veteran of the Navy starred in many Eugene O'Neill plays; on the screen, some of his memorable performances include Once Upon a Time in the West (1968), Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970), and Parenthood (1989). But back in the day, this thespian was very young and very hot! Who is he?

This Week's Separated at Birth (6/9 - 6/15)

2008-06-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

* Is that a Kennedy on top? Perhaps it's Bobby Kennedy's love child? All kidding aside, that toothy has-been is none other than Jerry Mathers, television's Beaver Cleaver from the classic Leave it to Beaver series. But doesn't he look like Uncle Teddy (below)?

George Lucas's Jabba Jowles

2008-05-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

George Lucas, the 64-year-old, multi-billion dollar movie mogul, whose latest Indiana Jones film is debuting this weekend, is a fat cat without question. Though the owner of Lucasfilm Limited--and former owner of American Zoetrope (with Fraqncis Ford Copolla)--is sitting on a nest egg of approximately 3.6 billion dollars, the money he has amassed has not gone to his head . . . it's gone to his jowles.
* George Lucas's bulbous neck gives off the appearance that a goiter is nesting somewhere beneath his flesh, but it's probably a result of an extremely comfortable lifestyle.

According to WebMD, "goiters can occur when the thyroid gland produces either too much thyroid hormone (hyperthyroidism) or not enough (hypothyroidism). Much more rarely, the problem may arise when the pituitary gland stimulates thyroid growth to boost production of the hormone."

* An unfortunate human being with an enormously large goiter.

In the case of Lucas, however, his growth comes and goes.
* "Senor Star Wars," sans turkey neck, looks like a well-coiffed Hollywood matinee idol.

* But just when you think it's on full retreat, back comes Lucas's Jabba Jowles. Gobble! Gobble!

Although some top physicians have dismissed the writer/director/producer's affliction as non-goiter, I, a lowly blogger, discovered a type of goiter known as "sporadic" goiter that may be plaguing ol' G.L. According to an old encyclopedia that once belonged to my maternal gread grandfather, this variety of goiter "can form if your diet includes too many goiter-promoting foods, such as soybeans, rutabagas, cabbage, peaches, peanuts and spinach. These foods can suppress the manufacture of thyroid hormone by interfering with your thyroid's ability to process iodide."

So Mr. Lucas, wherever you may be, cut out the aforementioned foods and you should be fine. That's advice from an admirer of yours, free of charge.

Ths Week's Separated At Birth (5/19 - 5/25)

2008-05-19T16:57:00.000-07:00

* Wayne Newton, what the HELL has happened to your right eye??? In fact, both of your peepers are looking WAY TOO pulled back. You're starting to look like Hoyt Pollard, the imbred, banjo-playing youth who starred as "Boy at Gas Station" in Deliverance. Wayne, forget about "Dueling Banjos." In this pic you're sporting some "Dueling Eyes."

RETRACTION: I am poking fun at Wayne Newton with the porch boy reference; in all seriousness, porch boy's twin is none other than supercyclist Lance Armstrong.

This Week's Separated At Birth (4/28 - 5/4)

2008-04-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

* Eureka! After much time spent pondering the identity of Don "Nappy Headed Ho" Imus's twin, I've finally discovered that the Castor to his Pollux is the fictional Rocky Dennis, a disfigured teenager portrayed sympathetically by Eric Stoltz in the film Mask. Yeah, I know you're gonna say, "Reid, the only thing they have in common is their hair!" and I too felt the same way initially; however, upon looking at more recent pics of the marblemouthed radio personality (?), I noticed how the years have mercilessly ravaged his countenance, giving it a Rockyesque quality. Look below; you be the judge.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (4/14 - 4/20)

2008-04-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

A co-worker of mine, after hearing another co-worker's dissatisfaction with her new condominium's front and back door locks, suggested her locksmith father to her co-worker . In turn, the damzel in distress offered to pass out business cards to her fellow disgruntled neighbors, which was indeed a kind act on her part; however, upon returning to work this Monday, when the locksmith's daughter inquired as to our mutual co-worker's degree of satisfaction with the job that her father did this past Saturday, she heard, "Your father's a really nice guy; he did a great job." Then came a pause . . . , which was followed by "I just don't know why I paid as much as the other five people in my building. I did get him five other jobs." As a witness to the aforementioned dialogue, I attest that the latter comment was offfered with the deepest of sincerity. In defense of the locksmith's daughter, she was as cool as a cucumber, not knowing how to reply to such a preposterous gripe. Now I've never struck a lady, but this woman, who possesses the social graces of a gnat, was begging to be decked, sent stumbling back into the copy machine. Furthermore, upon analyzing the inappropriateness of this woman's gall, I was most appalled by the time that she undoubtedly took to figure out how much the five other tenants had paid the locksmith. I can picture her now, roaming the halls and knocking door to door with the bill in her hand. In her defense, she is a librarian --I means a MEDIA SPECIALIST--whose interactions primarily center around shelves of dusty books and scores of domesticated felines.

2008-04-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

One of my long-held theories (if one can call it such) seems to be turning into a law with the recent interview of two women from that notorious YFZ ranch in Texas. As these two plain Janes staunchly reported that their sect's lifestyle does not involve the abuse of and sex with minors, one can only wonder with whom are the men of this Fundamentalist Latter Day Saint compound having sex? * Female members at YFZ certainly have a knack for smoothing out and starching their blouses and hair, but what about their faces? This pic reminds me of that Eagles' tune, except I'd change the lyrics to "You can't hide . . . those TIRED eyes."

One would think that a life of polygamy would be sensuous and sinful, complete with oiled-up hourglass figures writhing on satin sheets and moaning to be taken and ravaged, or maybe that's just me. All kidding aside, most polygamists (both men and women) tend to be the variety of human being known as "carnie" or "backwoods" folk, far from any harem I'd want to be part of; far from the foursome on HBO's Big Love. * Bill Paxton (center) is flanked by the babes of Big Love, save for Chloe Sevigny (right); although, even she's a babe in comparison to real-life polygammists.

Those of you who are entertaining a life with multiple partners, just think of poor ol' Tom Green, a native of Utah who served six years in the can. Green, who was convicted of child rape in 2001 for having sex with a 13-year-old (She went on to become his first of five wives), was punished for simply trying to live his life! After all, if you were a teenage gal, would you be able to deny Green's burly physique, receding hairline, and well-groomed salt and pepper beard?

* Tom Green is vowing to never bed another teenage girl, but are the fingers of his left hand crossed?

So until I start seeing some more attractive people make their way onto the polygamy scene via the media, I'll content myself with monogamy and a purer pleasure that the mainstream Latter Day Saints offer: Davey and Goliath.

* The Mormon Church's most illustrious stars, young Davey and his trusty dog Goliath.

This Week's Separated at Birth (4/14- 4/20)

2008-04-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

* Toupee-wearing comic Rip Taylor (top), who's turned throwing confetti into actual schtick, has one thing in common with artist LeRoy Neiman. Well, I'm sure you don't need me to point it out. However, while both Rip and LeRoy wear similar lip whiskers, one thing the two men don't have in common is their hair on top. Anybody would die to for Neiman's slick, well-manicured coif!

Yankees Forgotten A-Rod of '80

2008-04-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

When most baseball fans hear the name "A-Rod," they think of the former Mariner/Ranger and current Yankee dynamo Alex Rodriguez. This green-eyed third baseman with his mocha skin is sure to make the ladies swoon, and his explosive bat has garnered him respect amongst Yankees fans and other MLB fans alike.

However, back in 1980 another A-Rod hit the scene in the House That Ruth Built: Aurelio Rodriguez. Having already played for the California Angels (1967-70), Washington Senators (1970), Detroit Tigers (1971-79), and San Diego Padres (1980), this Mexican-born A-Rod was a thirtysomething, former golden-glove-winning athlete when he joined the Bronx Bombers during the 1980 season. * An autographed Topps card of former Yankees thirdbaseman Aurelio Rodriguez.

Although N.Y.'s first A-Rod only batted .220 in 1980, he posted a mammoth .346 average in '81, going 18 for 52 with an even higher .370 on base percentage. Who knows what he could've done had he played a full season?

Sadly, Aurelio Rodriguez Ituarte, Jr. was killed tragically in 2000 when a motorist jumped a curb and struck the former ballplayer when he was visiting Detroit. Hearing the news, Tigers fans, who now refer to Rodriguez as "the original A-Rod," were deeply affected by his untimely demise. This '08 season, I implore Yankees fans to do the same, honorong this 1980 Yankee as "the original A-Rod!"

TRIVIA:

There have been three players in major league history named Aurelio, and all three were killed in car accidents between the ages of 44 and 53. Can you name the other two Aurelios?

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock (3/3 - 3/9)

2008-03-17T17:41:00.001-07:00

I am SICK and TIRED of John McCain and the whole facial paralysis act he's putting on! It's time you come clean with the American public: does your cheek's pocket house a tumor or are you hoarding a trove of nuts? I, by NO means, can vote for you if you're not going to set the record straight.

Back Log: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (2/25 - 3/2)

2008-03-04T17:36:00.000-08:00

The outspoken Billy O is at it again, and this time he's INFURIATED me! Speaking about Michelle Obabma's recent remark that "for the first time in my adult lifetime, I'm really proud of my country," the FOX News Channel host of THE O'REILLY FACTOR, stated, "I don't want to go on a lynching party against Michelle Obama unless there's evidence, hard facts, that say this is how the woman really feels. If that's how she really feels - that is a bad country or a flawed nation, whatever - then that's legit. We'll track it down." Thank you "Big Brother" O'Reilly for looking out for our nation's best interest, making sure that a Democratic senator/possible presidential nominee's wife's words are cleansed by your NO SPIN ZONE's spin cycle. You pompous ass, giving a residential name (the NO SPIN ZONE) to the space in which your behavior occurs. Hey Bill, have you created a zip code for this zone, which getting back to your response to Mrs. Obama's words, clearly exists in 1950's rural Mississippi. First a dimwitted golf reporter using the word "lynch" in the same sentence with Tiger Woods' name, now this! When speaking about a Jewish public figure's verbal "misstep," will you say, "I don't want to gas this person at Auschwitz, but if this comment turns out to be true, we'll get our storm troopers after 'em." Don't let me down, Bill; keep up the good work!

This Week's Separated at Birth (2/18 - 2/24)

2008-02-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

* Mr. Sweatin' to the Oldies himself, Richard Simmons, looks strikingly similar to Three's Company actress Audra Lindley. Perhaps the impotent Mr. Roper (Norman Fell) would have preferred Helen if she swapped her housecoat for Simmons' rhinestoned red tank tops and red short shorts.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (2/11 - 2/17)

2008-02-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

I heard of Roy Scheider's death this morning from a tinny sounding bathroom radio as I was showering this morning (Monday) at my lady friend's apartment. As I was just about to soap up my crotch, I heard, "And the actor Roy Scheider has passed away at the age of 75," which caused a long frown to blanket my face as my forearm braced my forehead on the shower stall's tile. Hours later, as I sat in the teachers' lounge at work grading papers that I've been holding onto for several months too long, a coworker of mine walked up to me and exclaimed, "Hey, did you hear that SCHNEIDER died?" Immediately, I thought of Pat Harrington, ONE DAY AT A TIME's loveable handyman Schneider; I asked, "Schneider died? Pat Harrington?" All my coworker could utter was "No, the guy from JAWS," as if I was the crazy one. I didn't even bother to tell him that he didn't say the name correctly, but his faux pas got me thinking about the many idiots who've made this mistake over the years, pronouncing the legendary star's surname as if it were the more common SCHNEIDER. Now I was raised in a good Christian household, reared by a mother who always told me to refer to a person by his or her proper name (first or last); if I tried to call my best buddy Anthony by the name "A.J." or Mrs. Hoover, my second grade teacher, "Mrs. H," my mom would smack me from here to kingdom come. I know that the former SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE alum Rob Schneider didn't help Mr. Roy Scheider's cause any, but that doesn't excuse such mistakes. Here's my advice to all of you mispronouncers: Take a deep breath before speaking, conjure up an image of JAWS's Chief Brody, and remember that Scheider is like no other; therefore, his last name does not include an "N."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (2/4 - 2/10)

2008-02-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

I thought I wasn't going to be irritated this week because I received a prescription for a new medication from my doctor. This pill was supposed to make me less irate, but when I went to pick up the prescription, I noticed that the plastic cap on the medication--the easy-off cap I've come to know for the past couple of decades--was usurped by an inferior topper that was covered with instructions on how to open it. "It's not like I got any kids at home," I told my pharmacist when he sold me the whole safety song. Apparently, the old caps are hard to come by because of pharmacies' fears of being sued, but that doesn't help me! I've never procreated (not to my knowledge) or adopted for that matter; since I won't know the comfort of having my own loving, biological brood doting on me in my old age, I think I've earned the right to having comfort in the form of an easy-to-open cap on a prescription vial.

This Week's Separated at Birth (2/11 - 2/17)

2008-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

* For a woman who had so much money, the deceased Leona Helmsley (a.k.a. "The Queen of Mean") wore her make-up much like Jack Nicholson's Joker from the memorable Batman film. Helmsley, who dropped out of Brooklyn's Abraham Lincoln High School, looked more like a beauty school dropout with her clownish lips, heavily arched eyebrows, and abundant eyeshadow.

BACK LOG: What Iritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/28 - 2/3)

2008-02-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

I was watching the SAG Awards last night (That's right . . . the awards show that became popular because the Golden Globes were cancelled), and I WAS angered over these cackling queens and failed models who fawned over each celebrity, asking, "Who are you wearing?" When did it become popular to word a question in this manner? Unless someone, like THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE's Leatherface, is wearing a designer's flesh, this question shouldn't be asked. What the heck's wrong with the simply inquiring, "Who designed your outfit?"

This Week's Separated At Birth (2/4 - 2/10)

2008-02-05T05:56:00.001-08:00

* Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy, the lucky Kennedy boy who's had the fortune of living a full life, looks strikingly similar to The Brady Bunch actress Ann B. Davis. In these pictures, which present both at identical 11 o'clock angles, one cannot deny their similar noses, full sets of choppers, and protruding chinny chin chins. Kennedy's and Davis's hair are also coiffed in a similar fashion. Also, if Davis were not raising her eyebrows, you would also see that they have nearly identical brows!

Father Looks to Son to Tend to Porn Stash

2008-02-02T07:45:00.000-08:00

The loss of a close loved one is often a trying time for family and friends; those closest to the deceased are reluctantly caught up in making all the traditional arrangements: writing up an obituary; planning the wake and the funeral; reserving a room and laying out the dough for the repass. Hopefully, when all's said and done with the will, you won't find yourself in the red. Let's not forget the grieving process, the getting acquainted with the idea that you'll never see the deceased on this earth again.

With all this going on, no one wants any more responsibilities than he or she needs to tend to, but this may not be the case for Peter Blanchon, a married father of two whose father is closely approaching Death's door. The request Blanchon received whe he, his wife, and two children visited the elder Blanchon, Louis, at his home in Sanibel Island, Florida this past December was "shocking."

Blanchon stated, "My dad poured us each a Maker's Mark on the rocks after my wife and kids left the house to do some grocery shopping for him. He took me into his bedroom, told me he had something to show me, and I was shocked when he opened up my mother's old closet."

* Peter Blanchon's visit to his father's Florida residence may have added one more responsibility to his plate upon his father's death.

What Peter soon saw inside the walk-in closet, a room that ceased belonging to Peter's mother soon after her passing in 1997, was an enormous amount of pornography on paper: every issue of Juggs, including the debut August 1981 issue; many copies of On Our Backs, the first women-run erotica magazine; and a host of foreign publications like Knave and Razzle (England), Lui (France), and Lemon People (Japan).

* One of the magazines in Louis Blanchon's porn collection, the debut of Juggs from August '81, including one of Mr. Blanchon's favorites: an article on breast masturbation.

According to his son, Blanchon, a retired principal at a prestigious New York City private school, "was desperate that I take care of the scores of boxes." Blanchon recalled, "My dad told me that he cherised these magzines--more so for the articles than the pictures--and that he could never share this passion with my mother, a straight-laced Baptist." He added, "For many years my dad even rented a garage for his collection from an elderly woman, visiting it every now and then to pour over the magazines' words. Ironically, these magazines, which my mother never knew about, had a lot to do with the success of their sex life. I mean my dad is the Kama Sutra. I never knew this before."

* Blanchon with his grandson Michael this past December, perhaps telling him about the birds, the bees, and prostate stimulation.

All Louis Blanchon wants, upon his death, is for someone to bring his collection to the residence of James Primdire, the manager of the Publix supermarket where Blanchon gets his groceries and prescription medications. Apparently, when Blanchon once asked Primdire why his store sold no pornographic magazines, an instant relationship was forged as the two men started talking about their shared passion for the written word within these mags; this materialized into bi-weekly meetings at Cleo Lee's, a local coffee house.

Primdire, however, wants no part of raiding Blanchon's closet. "Lou has taught me a lot about sex and other things, like how to remove red wine stains from my carpet and clothes and how to cook with charcoal. He's been so good to me. I just couldn't bring myself to enter that closet. It'd be too hard, considering the realtionship we've forged over what's in there."

* James Primdire (center), the Publix manager who became good friends with one of his store's patrons.

Before leaving Florida, Peter Blanchon accepted Mr. Primdire's address and cell phone number from his father, knowing how much this would mean to him, and somewhere on Coral Lane in West Palm Beach, James Primdire is cleaning out a room.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Wek (1/21 - 1/27)

2008-01-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

I have a bone to pick with "NFL on FOX" broadcaster Curt Menefee. The only thing this schlub has in common with his predecessor James Brown, who is now on CBS, is the color of his skin. As my lady friend and I were watching the Giants/Packers game on Sunday, I said, "Honey, if he makes this field goal, the headlines should read, 'Third TYNES a Charm'!" (For those of you who didn't watch this game, Giants field goal kicker Lawrence Tynes missed the two previous FGs.) Anyway, minutes after the new LT nailed the field goal, Curt Menefee exclaimed MY HEADLINE. Hey Menefee, if you had to write that headline, you'd probably misspell Tynes' last name with an "i" instead of a "y." On top of that, you probably had one of your producers whisper that line to you; I came up with it all on my own (before the three points were scored).

People in Glass Houses: Norris's Verbal Kung-Fu on McCain

2008-01-22T19:34:00.001-08:00

Mr. Bruce Lee Light, Chuck Norris, a staunch supporter of Republican presidential nominee and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, recently blasted Sen. John McCain because of the 71-year-old's age, saying, "I didn't pick John [McCain] to support because I'm just afraid that the vice president would wind up taking over his job in that four-year presidency," at a recent Huckabee fundraiser.

Mr. Norris, that comment is COLD and unwarranted.

Has Mr. Norris, who is only 4 years McCain's junior, forgotten that he too is a senior citizen, benefitting from discounts at the local Winn-Dixie, IHOP, and other establishments that offer elderly folks a price break? While Chuck masks his age with a reddish brown Daniel Boone coonskin cap wig and some mediocre plastic surgery, John McCain is au naturale, aging like a man, a war veteran, a war hero.

A man who is no longer marketable in the film and television industry, resorting to infomercials with Christie Brinkley as a means to be in the public eye, is in no position to pass judgment on a man who continues to work tirelessly for the U.S. of A.

* Norris with Brinkley, shamelessly hocking exercise equipment in an infomercial.

A REID ERZBLOCK GAME: If You Just Arrived on Earth . . .

2008-01-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

. . . what would you make of the picture below?

A.) The men are partners at a law firm and are attending a random charity event. The older man, who is a senior partner at the firm, is holding his junior partner's daughter.

B.) The men are a married gay couple who adopted a girl; they are attending their daughter's pre-school on "Parents Welcome Night."

C.) The man on the right manages a clothing store at a mall, and the little girl he's holding wandered into his store alone. Seconds later, an African-American man entered the store, so the store's manager naturally assumed he was the girl's father. Concerned about the child's absence of a parent or guardian, both men quickly walked through the mall with the girl in tow, hoping someone would spot the child. Eventually, both men reunited the child with her lawful guardian, or did they?

D. The men are posing for a photo-op at a public event a few years before a major election that will pit the man on the left against the other man's wife; however, both men are cordial to one another because at that time it was the thing to do.

This Week's Separated at Birth (1/21 - 1/27)

2008-01-21T17:18:00.000-08:00

* No, James Early Jones did not play Darth Vader; he merely lent his voice. The Vader garb was donned by the 6' 5" British bodybuilder, weightlifter, and actor David Prowse. Doesn't he resemble Hollywood icon Dick VanDyke, star of television's The Dick VanDyke Show and Diagnosis Murder? Best known for his role in the Disney classic Mary Poppins, VanDyke's pugilistic nose, thin-lipped mouth, and blue eyes are nearly identical to Prowse's. Sure, VanDyke is more "Hollywood" looking, but Prowse at least looks more like Dick than Dick's younger brother Jerry.

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/14 - 1/20)

2008-01-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

I listen to conservative talk radio every now and then, but today I am furious with Sean Hannity, host of radio's THE SEAN HANNITY SHOW and television's HANNITY AND COLMES. Driving home from work in my car on New Jersey's Route 46, I heard Hannity break from his tirade about Hillary Clinton to chat with a caller about how he was upset about the loss "Indiana" suffered over the weekend because he's a huge Peyton Manning fan. Hey Hannity, you don't call the Indianapolis Colts "Indiana," the state in which the team resides. That's like referring to the Bears as "Illinois" or the Patriots as "Massachusetts." Furthermore, Mr. Hannity, went on to talk about how fervent a fan he is of the Colts head coach and how much he loved his autobiography, but all he could utter was "Tony." It was the caller on the other end who had to fill in the "Dungy" after the host stammered for what seemed like an eternity. Last but not least, Hannity engaged in something that I detest: He uttered a malapropism. Instead of saying "Cool, calm and collected" he said, "Cool, calm and COLLECTIVE." Hannity, what the hell's wrong with you? Don't you know that a "collective" is a group?

To Comb Over or Not to Comb Over?

2008-01-20T07:16:00.001-08:00

There are several methods men use to hide their baldness: some wear ballcaps (director Ron Howard did it for many years); others don toupees (Tony Curtis, Burt Reynolds, William Shatner, etc.); and some even shave their skulls to look intimidatingly masculine (Bruce Willis).

But there are a few men who think a cap too juvenile, a toupee too artificial, and a hairless dome too much like an exposed baby's bottom. It is this minority who resorts to the COMBOVER, a hairstyle that 9 times out of 10 finds a man parting his hair east to west or west to east. A few men, however, create variations on this style.

1.) The Combforth (a.k.a. the Back to Front)
This hairstyle is a rarity; when spotted, you better have a camera handy to capture this once-in-a-lifetime event. Like Haley's Comet, you'll most likely see one during your time on this planet.
* This man seems to be getting good coverage, but he can't hide the unnatural hairline from which the follicles have been parted forth.
* This hair, like the famous Clint Eastwood orangutan movie, is Every Which Way But Loose! If Jackson Pollack used hair to decorate a canvas, this would be the result.

2.) The Combback (a.k.a. the Front to Back)
Like its name, this variation on the combbover is not laughable. The man, when combing his hair to the back, is merely tidying up the follicular folly that he has been dealt.

* James Lipton, host of Bravo's Inside the Actors Studio, sports the combback.
* Here's Jack with the combback. Some have suggested that he is responsible for popularizing this hairstyle.

For those of you who are thirsting for the "real deal" combover, watch the documentary Combover: The Movie (2004). This film, which runs slightly less than one hour, is a cross-country search for the best combover. Check out the link (below) for more information.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.sundancechannel.com/UPLOADS/films/320x240/c/combover1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.sundancechannel.com/films/500193666&h=240&w=320&sz=51&hl=en&start=19&tbnid=ug1F8x9GstxTZM:&tbnh=89&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dcombover%26gbv%3D2%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

* One of the subjects who appears in Combover: The Movie.

If you can't get your mitts on this coveted film, feel free to stare at the images below to your heart's content. Happy combing!

* The Donald is thought to have a combover. Something is going on with his cotton candy hair, which looks like it could be whipped up and feasted on at a carnival.

* Sports journalist and broadcaster Tony Kornheiser wears the traditional combover.

* Gene Keady, the former head basketball coach at Purdue and assistant coach of the Toronto Raptors, wore the greasy combover. Rumor has it that Keady was a greaser back in the '50s, but as his hair bid his scalp adieu, he just couldn't quit the grease.

* Rudy "9/11" Giuliani used to part his hair left to right, but he forsook it for boring baldness. This may explain why he is not doing well in the primaries. Don't worry, Rudy. I hear the Floridians are quite partial to bald men.

. . . to That Great Butcher Shop in the Sky

2008-01-20T06:26:00.000-08:00

Allan Melvin (1923 - 1908)

Jowly-faced character actor Allan Melvin appeared on The Phil Silvers Show and All in the Family as Archie Bunker's friend Barney, but he is best known for his role on The Brady Bunch as Sam "the butcher" Franklin, Alice the housekeeper's boyfriend.

But don't judge this actor by the blue collar characters he played: Melvin, who was born in Missouri but moved to New York City as a child, attended Columbia University. Sam the butcher was a Columbia graduate? Yes, and he also served in the Navy after graduation before wedding his wife, Amalia, in 1943.

Melvin is survived by his wife of 64 years, a daughter and a grandson, and to pay my respects to him, here's a butcher joke. Something tells me Mr. Melvin may have heard a few butcher jokes in his lifetime.

A man walks into a butchers shop asks the butcher, "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says, "Yes."
The man says, "I bet you fifty dollars that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher looks up at the meat hanging on the hooks. He says, "I'm not betting on that."
"But I thought you were a gambling man," the man retorts.
"Yes I am," says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (1/7 - 1/13)

2008-01-14T15:07:00.000-08:00

I am fed up with hearing about Hillary Clinton's cry heard 'round the world in New Hampshire! Can't we ALL see through this charade as nothing but a mere sotto voce, teary-eyed plea to endear voters to Clinton in this latest primary? Quite simply, Hillary's sad attempt at emotion should've ended with the Dem declaring, "You see, I'm human!" before taking a bow and exiting stage left of this New Hampshire coffee house. I am neither an adherent nor a detractor of the Clinton campaign; however, such attempts at emotion--especially when they're obviously spurious--incense me. What's worse is the media's inflated coverage of this minor, unimpressive spectacle. Hey John Edwards, don't you go getting all weepy before this latest primary when you're sipping a hot cup of tea in your Brooks Brothers attire, boring the masses with tales about your father the MILLWORKER. Hard as it may be to efface the scent of your pappy's sweaty, haggard, laboring body from your memory, try and keep a stiff upper lip and wear your perma-smile.

This Week's Separated At Birth (1/14 - 1/20)

2008-01-14T14:49:00.001-08:00

* I don't usually use the same people in back-to-back weeks for this portion of my blog, but I saw the press coverage of former MLB pitcher Goose Gossage's nomination into the Hall of Fame moments after last week's "separated" was posted and carved in stone. Therefore, I must admit that this pairing, in my esteem, is greater than the Cowardly Lion's pairing with Mel Brooks. Eureka! Yes, it's true that a goose can in fact look like a lion! The similarity of their eyes is uncanny; surprisingly, the makeup applied to actor Bert Lahr's mouth area that gives him the appearance of a feline, is duplicated with Gossage's handlebar moustache.

Giants Coach Demands Apology From FOX Five

2008-01-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

Moments after the New York Giants defeated the rival Dallas Cowboys in a 21-17 nailbiter, coach Tom Coughlin, who rarely wears his heart on his sleeve, became irate before reporters at the postgame press conference, demanding an apology from five FOX broadcasters for counting his team out the past two weeks.

* An angry Coughlin wears a look of disappointment as he lambastes the boys at the NFL on FOX.

Coughlin declared, "You can't count my players out! Yeah, we're a little banged up and Eli's not Peyton, but this team doesn't go down without a fight. Those broadcasting buffoons ought to know better," added Coughlin, referring to NFL on FOX host Curt Menefee, his colleagues Terry Bradshaw, Jimmy Johnson, Howie Long, and the show's comic sketch man, Frank Caliendo. "Opinions like theirs are heartless, and if they're real men, they'd apologize publically."

* FOX's crew (l to r) Menefee, Bradshaw, Long, and Johnson, all of whom have counted the Giants out against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Dallas Cowboys.

Apparently, the brood of broadcasters' words were hard felt by Coughlin and his blue crew. "We pay attention to stuff like that, and it's not right. Making picks like that for all to see plays games with my players. If the NFL could put a stop to uprights being placed on the goal line and the wearing of leather helmets, they can do something about this too!"

The only comment from FOX thus far came from former Cowboy coach Jimmy Johnson, who spoke to reporters as he exited the FOX studios in California. "Picking winners and losers is part of the game. We give our opinions; it's not gospel. When does he want us to make our calls, after the game?" Continuing in his jocular tone, Johnson added, "The guys and I will make it up to Tom [Coughlin] and pick them to lose next weekend. It's worked for them so far."

BACK LOG: What Irritates Mr. Erzblock This Week (12/31 - 1/6)

2008-01-07T17:59:00.000-08:00

Even though I own every one of Rod Serling's blessed TWILIGHT ZONE episodes on DVD, I look forward to the Sci Fi channel's annual 48-hour TWILIGHT ZONE MARATHON. Unfortunately, some folks at this channel thought it a good idea to interrupt this event on the first day of the new year by televising wrestling programming for one hour. I just wanted to catch a few more episodes before hitting the hay, but I was asked to endure the squared circle shenanigans of the ECW from 10-11 pm. This program doesn't even fit into Sci Fi's programming. I understand that this variety of wrestling IS fiction, but how does science enter the picture?