Katie Ledecky's Hairline Costs Her

Having just won a gold medal in the 800-meter freestyle, 15-year-old Katie Ledecky should soon be seeing a Brinks truck backing up to her family's Maryland home, but . . . "No, wait!"
Ledecky will shout.  "Where are you going?  Where's it going?" she will ask her mother, Mary Gen Ledecky.  But not even Mother Mary herself will come to Katie.  Yes, you know the rest.

So where is that Brinks truck going?  To Gabby Douglas's, that's where.  You see, Ledecky has age on her side--or a lack thereof--but what she has in age, she lacks (surprisingly) in a hairline.  And ain't no one wanna see a girl on no Wheaties box or in no Subway commercial with hair like dat! 

 

Above: Ledecky and her endorsement-costing hairline.

Meanwhile, Olympic gymnastics gold medalist Douglas, who is one year Ledecky's senior, already has racked up a deal with Kellogg's, gracing a box of Corn Flakes and getting ready to take part in "Kellogg's Tour of Gymnastics Champions," a 40-city tour. YAWWWWWWN.  Yeah, that last part sounds pretty lame, but Douglas is expected to net around $10 million between now and Rio's 2016 Games due to her million-dollar smile and normal hairline.

 

Above: All that glitters is not gold, it's Gabby.

True, you will see Ledecky again after these London Games, but it probably won't be for another four years, for there will be no endorsements, no talk show appearances, not even a guest role on a Nick Jr. or Disney Channel show.  "What about a movie of the week?" you ask.  To that I reply, "Who'll play her, former SNL comedienne Kristen Wiig as she looked in those Lawrence Welk sketches?"

 

Above: Wiig in an SNL skit looking much like Ledecky, not including the doll hands. 

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (2/1/10 - 2/7/10)

For whatever reason, Gary Coleman has a penchant for cowboy hats, as the many pics on the internet suggest. Whatever the cause, we here at All the News . . . find this look downright adorable! And look at him playing with his phone, pretending there's an agent on the line, waiting to give the black buckaroo a role.

Maybe it's just me, but something tells me Mr. Coleman is playing cowboy 'cause he longs for the jump-the-shark Diff'rent Strokes days with his southern-soundin' stepbrother Danny Cooksey.

Man Frustrated After Halloween Costume Backfires; Vows to be Vindicated

Last Halloween when Keith Landers attended a co-worker's rooftop party on the outskirts of Seattle, his costume didn't go as planned. This year, however, this determined Starbucks shift manager plans on making his younger co-workers eat crow.

"I couldn't believe they didn't know who I was," recalled Landers. "It was sad. Only one person knew who Richard Simmons even is!"

* Landers (pictured above), hours before a 2009 Halloween party where he was confused for everything from Ronald McDonald to "that woman on Three's Company" (both pictured below).

The 31-year-old Landers, who went so far as to jog around the party for minutes on end, yelling lines like "Ohhhhhkay ladies, time to Sweat into the Oldies!" and "Stay away from those nachos. They're not on your Deal-A-Meal!" couldn't drop enough hints to the crowd, a collection of teenagers and early twentysomethingers who remained clueless.

"We just thought like he had too many macchiatos," said Becky Jorgensen, one of Landers' baristas. "He kept poking me. It was really annoying."

After numerous sets of jumping jacks and squat thrusts around the partygoers were met to no avail, the failed Richard Simmons exited the party dejected, not even waiting to see the party's winning costume worn by Ben Meyers, an employee recently-hired by Landers.

* Meyers, whose Price-Is-Right costume took the party's 20-dollar prize.

Having put last year's events behind him, Landers promises to wow everyone at his co-worker's annual Halloween party in 2010: "I figure I'll make it a little more current, so I chose Tony Little."

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

Sure, they ain't the world's best looking gals--especially the one on Gary's left with the prominent pelvic bones--but Gary Coleman seems to be in "booby heaven" with those signature cheeks flanked by traffic on Mammary Lane. It's a good thing Gary grew a little! A little shorter and he'd be sandwiched by STDs.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (10/5/09 - 10/11/09)

For those of you who remember well the '80s, Libyan leader Col. Muammar el-Qadaffi, better know by just his surname, made it into American headlines as President Reagan's "mad dog of the Middle East." But since then what the hell has happened to this once-hot leader?

In keeping with the '80s (and you devotees of this decade), Mr. Libya now looks like Sam Crenshaw of t.v.'s Today's Special (1982-1987). And if you don't remember T.S., a Canadian children's show that aired on Nickelodeon, shame on you!
Can it be that Qadaffi looks like the security guard puppet on a kids' show? Yes! Look at their eyes, their testicle sac noses, and their complexions. Ahhhh, if only puppet Sam had black wiry hair.

THIS WEEK'S SEPARATED AT BIRTH (9/21/09 - 9/27/09)

This just in: When the t.v. movie of Dr. Oz's downward spiral into hell is made, complete with cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos, DON SWAYZE will play the DOC! Yes, Patrick's recently bereft bro has the same chinny chin chin, nose and eyes as "The Great Oz." Sure, he's a little craggier and haggard than Oprah's guru, but it ain't nothing a little putty can't fix.

One Hollywood insider reports that the project hasn't been greenlighted yet, for Don Swayze is still in the process of sabotaging Oz's life so that he will eventually be led down a road of cocaine binges, tranny prostitute orgies, and tri-weekly bus trips to Pocono casinos. Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who met her three friends on the yellow brick road, Swayze's plan for the project will have Dr. Oz travel (on foot) from point A to point B, meeting a teenage cocaine dealer, a middle-aged tranny prostitute, and a WWII veteran casino bus driver along the way.

ADORABLE GARY COLEMAN PIC OF THE WEEK (9/14/09 - 9/20/09)

This week's picture of an adorable Gary Coleman wasn't easy to select, but after much debate, the winner is . . .

GIL AND GARY (1979)

* In 1979, Coleman appeared in two episodes of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century as Hieronymous Fox, a boy genius.

It looks as if one-time heartthrob Gil Gerard and Gary Coleman are having a bundle of laughs in this pic from 20 years ago, so why is it adorable?

1.) Gary Coleman's outfit makes him look like a little winged monkey. ADORABLE!

2.) He even has little black boots. REALLY ADORABLE!

3.) Sitting on the table with his arm around Gil Gerard makes him look like a ventriliquist's dummy. EMBARRASSINGLY ADORABLE!

4.) Chubby cheeks, a perfectly groomed afro, and a button nose. OVERWHELMINGLY ADORABLE!